Projected Final Record: 6-6. Bowl eligible. Nothing more. Nothing less. Exactly the amount of hope required to guarantee Plaintiffs’ continued self-harm in 2027.
III. DAMAGES
Plaintiffs seek the following relief:
Compensatory damages for pain, suffering, and the fair market value of every stupid "Our Red Burns Brighter" t-shirt purchased;
Emotional distress damages, calculated at one (1) unit of despair per point Nebraska trails at halftime, times the number of kids now locked out of selling Runzas in Memorial Stadium; and
Injunctive relief, specifically a gag order on Steve and Jordan, whose smugness re: Michigan constitutes a separate and ongoing tort not addressed in this filing.
IV. SETTLEMENT DEMAND
In lieu of litigation, Plaintiffs would accept the following in full satisfaction of all claims:
One (1) bowl game that does not require a map to locate;
A win over Iowa in any form, fashion or manner whatsoever;
Six consecutive weeks without a single "this is the year" article appearing in any Nebraska-based publication; and
Emotional immunity, retroactive to 1997, for anyone who still believes.
Failure to remedy the above by kickoff on September 5 will leave Plaintiffs no choice but to continue watching anyway, out of habit, love, and a complete inability to quit something that keeps hurting them — which, frankly, may be the most damning evidence of distress in this entire letter.
Please govern yourselves accordingly. Go Big Red.
Yours very truly,
Karen A. Haase
Counsel for Husker Fans Everywhere
cc: My therapist, who has heard all of this before, and is now billing me for reading this blog post
STEVE’S PREDICTION:
The Huskers will start strong against inferior competition, as they usually do, with wins against Ohio, Bowling Green, and North Dakota. They win closer-than-they-should-be games against Michigan State and Maryland. Woo hoo! A 5-0 start! Then, the wheels fall off. The good news? Apparently, fewer and fewer people will be there to see it! Blowout losses to Indiana and Oregon. An ugly defeat at home at the hands of Washington. They lose a winnable game at Illinois, but follow up with a win at Rutgers. I’d love for the Huskers to beat the evil team from Ohio, but they just can’t do it. They end the season with yet another painful loss to Iowa. A 6-6 finish, another low-quality bowl game, and the grumbling begins about the need for a new head coach.
BOBBY’S PREDICTION:
I love and hate this blog post. It’s like Steve staring at a new box of Oreos; or Dylan Raiola liking “nature” in Oregon, but not his new depth chart. Just as I’m dreaming through the reasons why this team might turn a corner—finally some competent OL coaching; a deeper DL; and a quarterback with a lot of live rounds—I’m forced to step back into reality. This is an old team, which is usually good. But those combined snaps across all 3 phases are a lot of the same players. And then there’s a brand new defense and a bunch of new coaches who were only able to snag some mercenaries to fit their preferences. I desperately want to feel alive inside this August, but I can’t move the needle off 7-5. I promise, I’ve tried. That’s already north of the oddsmakers’ regular season win line, which has been elusive for 15 years.
Wins: Ohio, Bowling Green, and North Dakota. These aren’t Houston Baptist-esque teams. We’ll know a lot in the first 3 weeks, but I think we get it done.
Losses: Indiana, Oregon, and Ohio State. Getting 2 at home is nice, but I fear it won’t matter. Maybe we lose by 21 instead of 35. We’re not in the same stratosphere in terms of roster talent. Plus, Cignetti is a witch with Mark Cuban money now.
That leaves half the schedule in the tossup category. I think each of these games has a spread within 6-10 either direction. Vegas thinks we win 3 or 4 of those, which makes it sound harder than it really should be, but we haven’t yet proven we beat the teams we “should.” I think we get Michigan State in year 1 of Fitzy’s return. I think we get Rutgers and Maryland, though both make me nervous. I’m guessing we only get 1 of Washington, Illinois, or Iowa. I’d love it to be Iowa, but apparently only an interim HC can beat them. So, it’s 7-5, with a shade toward 6-6 compared to 8-4 if I had to hedge.
SHARI’S PREDICTION:
The Huskers open with a two-game winning streak and Husker Nation starts whispering "Big Ten title" like it's 1995 again. We win the next two games and the excitement continues. Then October happens. I think we could possibly lose all of those games. At this point Husker Nation is getting anxious. We have rebound wins against Illinois and Rutgers. Those two wins come with all the talk of six wins and bowl eligibility. That glimmer of hope is quickly diminished by two disappointing losses to Ohio State and Iowa. We will hear more about how it was a “building year” and the talk of the transfer portal will heat up once again.
COADY’S PREDICTION:
Thank goodness for the cupcake beginning (knocking on wood as I type). Nebraska will start 4-0, because the new Fightin’ Fitzgeralds aren’t quite up to ending the Huskers’ season-beginning winning streak in East Lansing on September 26. After that, the only clear win will come at Rutgers. Everything else is almost surely a loss (Indiana, at Oregon, Washington, Ohio State, and at Iowa***) or a toss-up (Maryland, at Illinois). Assuming that Nebraska splits those toss-ups, the Cornhuskers finish 6-6. This team is quite possibly improved, but the schedule will make it too tough for the record to show very much improvement.
***Author’s Note: To my core I don’t believe that Iowa is as vaunted an opponent as the New-and-Improved-Hoosiers©, Oregon, Washington, or Ohio State. But unless and until Nebraska shows that it can end our long national nightmare Day-After-Thanksgiving Tradition of watching an excrutiatingly-frustrating loss while non-Nebraska-fan family members stand to the side aghast at being exposed to the bewildering existence of Nebraska fans, then Iowa is firmly in the Loss Column for purposes of KSB Husker Predictions.
JORDAN’S PREDICTION: The Sound of Silence
A few familiar beeps followed shortly by the clang of metal on glass, the smacking of lips, and a salacious exhale. The clattering of fingers on a keyboard, a frustrated growl under the breath, and a string of cuss words never before chained together yet forged with the menace of an epithet and the promise of being dropped on a live recorded webinar. A rhythmic, raspy rumble keeping time like a metronome with a sinus infection. Whether it's Steve rapaciously razing his first Hot Pocket of the day, Karen building her latest slide deck, or me breathing 25% too loudly, these are the deeply, viscerally disturbing sounds of a silent KSB Office at 10:22 in the morning, which is both too early and too late for any of this.
Sometimes quiet is too quiet. There’s a Simon and Garfunkel line I’d love to use here, but Copyright Compliance Czar Bobby says quoting a lyric on a firm blog is how you find out what a cease and desist looks like. Use your imagination. It’s the one about darkness. You know the one.
Which brings me to Husker Nation.
It has just been too quiet. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe you've all resigned yourself to a lifetime of mediocrity in a football conference only your ego truly ever fit in. And yet I can't shake how unsettling this particular silence feels. It's the deafening silence of suddenly not hearing your kids playing in the next room and knowing, immediately, that something is wrong. Very wrong. Even the program has gone quiet, barely making a headline all summer, and that worries me more. Rhule might be instilling a quiet confidence in a team that used to fold over backwards every fourth quarter like the flimsy folding chair I broke at last year's teachers conferences.
And it is with this fearful, fitful uneasiness that I predict the best Husker season in recent memory. The starting schedule has the structural integrity of one of Steve’s morning Hot Pockets, molten in the middle, frozen at the edges, and guaranteed to collapse the moment anyone bites down on it. Five easy wins. After that, they only drop three: Indiana, Oregon, and Ohio State. Which means yes, I am on the record, in writing, predicting Matt Rhule beats Kirk Ferentz in Iowa City on Black Friday. Please screenshot this so my children can find it someday.
Nine and three, a big time bowl, and a near miss at playoff contention. I suspect this is the last offseason of silence for a long while. Enjoy it, Husker Nation. I can't say you deserve it. You need it. But more than that, you need one season built to hold a former lineman (or at least last year’s quarterback), not a folding chair pretending to be furniture.
TYLER’S PREDICTION:
Last year, rather than prognosticate on the infinite possibilities of the nation’s luckiest unlucky team (or unluckiest lucky team, depending on your feelings) I left my decision making to flipping a quarter. It went…fine? Fate had them at 5-7 and they ended up at 7-5. So pure chance was not materially different from my colleagues (9-3 guys? Come on now).
So this year, we’re doing fate again, but with a twist of predicting scores as well.
For each game, I rolled seven dice for each team. I then dropped the highest and lowest dice from each roll and totaled the rest. We have to have some consistency here. Otherwise, this process would be arbitrary.
Will this be closer? Probably not. Will this be more entertaining to me than reading Husker blogs? Probably yes.
Here is what the dice gods dictate: